


That's It

by TehRevving



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, Inappropriate Use of Vegetables, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 08:47:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14870570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TehRevving/pseuds/TehRevving
Summary: Ignis gets a little bit carried away when his recipehs start talking to him.A Fill for FFXV Crack Week 2018 for the prompt 'Ignis’ recipehs start talking dirty to him'Ignis x Vegetables. Crack.





	That's It

**Author's Note:**

> It's Crack Week, that's it I have nothing more to say about this.

Ignis figured that he was going mad, there was really no other possible explanation. He was alone at camp while the others were out gathering firewood, ingredients and whatever the fuck else they did when he wasn’t around to make sure they could put one foot in front of the other. Anyway, Ignis had been diligently preparing for dinner, he had just put laid the Leiden Peppers onto the cutting board and was about to sink his knife into their juicy flesh when low and behold they started talking to him.

“Hey hot stuff,” Ignis heard in a very high voice and he quickly looked around him to see who was speaking to him but he was alone on the haven, no one else was there.

“Hello,” he called out into the darkness and waited for a response.

“Down here baby,” came a response in the same voice as before and he turned back to his cutting board and looked questiongly at the peppers he had laid out.   
“Yeah, that’s right you stud, the peppers. I bet we can make you sweat.”

“I beg your pardon?” said Ignis in his fancy as fuck accent, speaking straight to the vegetables like this was a totally normal occurance. 

“You heard us sweet stuff,” came a slightly different voice from next to him, he turned to see the carrots that he had laid out on the bench looking enticingly at him. 

Ignis was very confused that the vegetables were talking to him but he decided to just ignore it, it had obviously been a stressful day and he just needed some more coffee, or sleep. He lined the peppers up and began to cut them into strips. 

“Yeah, cut me up Daddy,” said the peppers and it caused Ignis’ knife to falter. 

“That is highly inappropriate,” he chastised as he continued cutting up the peppers. They seemed to start moaning as he dragged the slices across the cutting board to rest at the edge of it. He ignored them and began to chop up the carrots. 

“Yeah, fuck me in my red ass,” said the peppers as Ignis began laying the spears of carrots out next to them. He was glad in a way that the vegetables were being allowed one final sexual escapade before they were to be cooked and eaten.

“You take my pointy orange cock so well.”

Ignis ignored the insanity that was occuring, shaking his head while cracking eggs into a bowl. He couldn’t deny that all of this dirty talk was getting him a little bit hot and bothered, maybe his own eggplant had started to strain at his pants a little but just because his cock seemed to enjoy it, doesn’t mean that he had to act upon any of this madness.

“Yeah, beat us.” said the eggs, “Whip us to stiff peaks you dirty slut.”

“There is absolutely no need for language like that,” Ignis scolded as he set all of his prepared ingredients aside. All he needed to do now was wait for the others to return, the food would not take long to cook on the skillet.

He began to clean up, luckily the cling-film and plates weren’t talking to him, it only seemed to be the vegetables. His entire train of thought however was derailed when he opened the cooler to put away the leftovers.

“Hey there nerd,” said the cup noodles while they stared at him with bedroom eyes, the double o in the middle of the word noodles taunting him. 

Fuck, Ignis was fucked now. As much as he made fun of Gladio, he couldn’t deny that cup noodles were actually one of his favourite foods and he was worried he wouldn’t be able to resist the salty allure of them talking dirty to him. 

“You wanna stick your dick in the ultimate flavour experience?” It asked seductively and well, Ignis wasn’t sure what came over him, he was suddenly possessed by this urge that he couldn’t explain, like someone was controlling him. 

He replied, “yes.”

Ignis picked up the cup of noodles and ripped the lid off, “yeah that’s it baby,” the noodles egged him on as Ignis placed them on the bench. “Get us wet sexy,” they said, of course, Ignis had to soften the noodles up to fuck them. 

Ignis reached over to the pot on the stove full of water for them to use, perfect the water wasn't too hot or too cold. It would be perfect for him to use to soften up the noodles and it wouldn’t burn his sensitive recipeh stick.

He poured the lukewarm water into the noodles and waited while they batted their eyelashes at him.

“Hey there sexy,” came another voice from next to him, “don’t you want a little bit more while you fuck those noodles?” Ignis turned and saw an uncut carrot on the bench next to him. He didn’t remember leaving one out but he wasn’t going to look a gift chocobo in the mouth.

He picked up the carrot, “put me in your ass,” it begged him.

Ignis reached down and began to frantically undo his pants, his straining eggplant jumping forth was it was released from the confines of his tight slacks. He reached down to grip his blunt knife in his fist and stroke it a few times, moaning at the sensation.

“Yeah moan for me Specs,” whispered the cup noodles, encouraging him.

Ignis couldn’t take it any longer, he knew the cup noodles wouldn’t quite be soft enough yet. He looked around desperately for something to use as lube and then saw the bowl of beaten eggs.

“Yeah, use us as lube you cum slut,” they said and so he did, dipping the tip of the carrot into the light coloured egg mixture. 

He held up the carrot to his face as he spoke to it, “You’re a very dirty carrot,” he said, before moving it down and behind himself.

“Shove me up your ass British boy,” said the carrot, and he did. 

Ignis moaned out loud, he couldn’t handle it as he began to press the pointed, rigid end of the carrot inside of his pastry case. He knew what he was doing and immediately began to pound at his special souffle spot until he was panting and struggling to catch his breath.

It felt so good having that filthy carrot inside of him, pressing at his prostate and causing a tingling electric feeling to spread through his body.

“I think we’re ready sexy,” said the cup noodles and Ignis had to admit that he had almost forgotten about them.

“Stick your filthy throbbing eggplant in us. Make your own ultimate flavour experience. Choke us with your cock,” they said and Ignis moaned as he picked up the cup.

He was still coherent enough to put his finger inside of the cup, not able to resist swirling it around in that sinful liquid as he checked the temperature. Ignis moaned out as he slipped his wet finger into his mouth, the salty taste assaulting his senses, it was at the perfect fucking temperature.

He lined himself up pressed his broccolini into the cup noodles. His eyes rolled back in his head as he heard the squelching noise of his cock parting the noodles, as salty warmth enveloped his skewer stick.

“You feel so good,” moaned the cup noodles and Ignis was almost tempted to moan the same thing but he was far too interested in the pleasure assaulting his senses.

Ignis fucked the cup of luscious noodles while ramming the carrot in and out of his ass.

It didn’t take him long, maybe a few minutes before he was screaming incoherently and almost ready to bust his salty seasoning into the noodles.

“Yeah, cum inside of us you filthy slut,” moaned the cup noodles.

“Cum around my orange dick,” came the muffled voice of the carrot from inside of him.

It threw him over the edge.

Ignis spurted his salty new recipeh all over the noodles inside of the cup while his ass spasmed around the carrot in his ass.   
“That’s It.” He yelled as he came up with a new recipeh. Both the cup noodles and the carrot were moaning loudly as he found his release, he was glad they enjoyed it too.

When he finally came down from his high and began to realise what the fuck he had done it was too late. The haze of pleasure that had enveloped him was gone and it seemed that the voices of the vegetables too had gone silent. 

He was left, standing on the haven with his pants down, cock in a cup of noodles and a carrot up his ass. How on Eos had this happened, how had the Hand of the King of Lucis stooped so low?

Ignis began to shamefully clean himself up, luckily he was able to get himself back into a presentable state by the time the others returned from their errands. Unfortunately though, he had been unable to dispose of the implements of his shame, the cup of noodles and carrot still laying on the bench next to him. While he was able to quickly send the carrot away into the armiger for him to handle later, the noodles were immediately noticed by Gladio.

“Hey Iggy you made noodles,” he said and wasted no time in walking over to him and picking them up. The shield basically inhaled them in one go before Ignis could say anything.

“Shit Iggy these are really good,” Gladio almost moaned, “whatever you did to the stock is delicious.”

Ignis didn’t reply, too mortified to say anything.

Well as long as he hadn’t been caught, he was just going to try and forget the whole thing happened. 

 

Meanwhile, hiding behind a tree out of sight of the camp, Ardyn began laughing.

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think?  
> Comments and Kudos loved, tell me how much this fucked you up XD  
> Come find me on tumblr (tehrevving) and check out FFXV Crack Week (ffxvcrackweek)


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